lazy

Today was lazy. Its Sunday. I slept. A lot.

I was surprised to find out that Charlie wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning. But as soon as I realized that of course I couldnt help but think of her for 20 minutes in my bed. It was really cold last night again and because Andrew and I don't want to spend another 200$ bill on electricity we havent been using the AC system for a month now. I'm fine with it, it just means I have to curl up under 2 blankets before bed. Oh and of course make sure that when I take a shower the bathroom door is closed so it stays toasty and I don't freeze when I get out. You ever do that?

Who are you anyway? Charlie didn't like that I had a link to this posted publicly, so I took it down - Surely nobody even reads this dribble. I wonder how she even got to see my facebook.

My dad may have had a heart attack a few days ago. In typical motherly fashion I was not made privy to this information until yesterday afternoon, so that "I wouldn't worry." Well, good timing, I guess. They say it rains, it pours, and sometimes when you feel it can't get worse it actually might be a good time to bring on more bad news because you are already somewhat numb. I had to ask my mom what "might have had a heart attack" meant, she said that sometimes you just don't realize you are having one. This surprises me.

Regardless, just something else to add to my worry.

I've been trying to get in touch with my professor regarding my exam I miss Thursday. I missed it because I was so shellshocked and depressed from Charlie breaking up with me. I spoke with the professor late Thursday and he kinda made it sound like I was stuck with a failiing grade and that I wouldn't get a re-test. So that sucks. Not sure what to do there, just waiting for a response to my email. I hate sitting and waiting.

Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life.

...

So I sat there and read what I just wrote. "Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life." Literally thought about that for a couple of minutes. I even walked downstairs, fed the cat, and grabbed some orange juice while thinking about this. I wonder if that's a weird outlook... You know? What I mean is, obviously I can't control what Charlie feels or how she views me. But I don't think I mean it in that way, you know? I mean like I have no say in anything. I can't influence things. Yeah, maybe influence is a better word. I SO want to be able to avoid feeling the way I did after Natalie (and even Jessie), but it seems like it comes down to the same word (or words?). Control. (Influence?).

I've given myself a time to think about Charlie and to have those feelings. I set aside a 20 minute segment an hour before I go to bed to reminisce, and anytime I remember or try to think of her and get sad, I tell myself "NO, you'll have time for that later." And it works. Surprisingly. It hasn't been easy, but yesterday was the first day I tried it. And today has been easier. Those 20 minutes drain me, but at this point I'll try anything that works.

...

I just came back from food and coffee with a friend of mine, Jessica. We have been talking for a while. I don't think there is any potential for anything romantic with her but it IS really nice to have someone to talk to, finally. Not that we talked about Charlie or my relationships or how crappy I'm feeling lately. But its just nice. I think it's going to be important for me to make it clear to her soon though that I'm not really attracted to her. She is a really nice jewish girl (a little older than me, 30 years old actually, not sure if you can call that a girl?) but she is wonderful to talk to and maybe we can be friends like I am with Lara.

Speaking of which, I haven't really spoken with Lara in a while. I think I'll give her a call sometime soon to grab a bite and catch up a bit. She has a cute puppy that I want to see. We also have to organize a Shabbot dinner sometime soon for the Livnot alumni in the area.

I don't know why but I started a streaming webcam straight from my bedroom. I'm going to leave it on, perhaps as an experiment, just for the hell of it. It has really no purpose but I think its kind of cool. Plus, when I'm at work I'll be able to look after Oshi, if she's goofing off in my room that is.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/javahawk

In other news I had a dream about Bloomington. If I could travel back in time to Bloomington, to see Charlie there, I would take her away and spend the night with her.

And cherish every moment, as if we would never spend another moment together again.