because i have to

Have you ever been in a mood that no matter what you do, where you go, what you see, smell, taste, or hear, it reminds you of someone or something very specific? Lately I've been like that with Charlie. It's been difficult getting away from her image in my head because it seems to much of my life over the last two years was invested in her. In my apartment, my car, at work, at school... It doesn't matter. I tie my shoes and I think of the time I fixed her shoes with duct tape. It's like a never ending dilemma, and my counselor Stephanie doesn't think it's healthy. She told me that sometimes when people are so involved and infatuated in a serious relationship, they sometimes lose some part of their life that should belong to them - Regardless of who they are with or what situation they are in.

Stephanie told me to sit down for a few moments and really try to get back some of my life that I had committed to the relationship. And she is most certainly right. I shouldn't constantly be reminded of Charlie when I brush my teeth, take a shower, pull out a pair of socks, blow my nose, or use a pencil. That's just silly. So what she told me to do was write out on paper or in a journal everything that reminds me of Charlie and ask myself if it REALLY makes sense for me to reminisce about it.

So... Here's the "I think of Charlie when..." list:

1) I brush my teeth. I use her toothpaste because I accidentally packed it in my luggage when I saw her last, and thats why I think of her. She also bought a toothbrush just like mine because she loved mine so much when she visited months ago.

2) I tie my shoes. Because she is the reason I wear chucks (when I do).

3) I take a shower. No comment.

4) I get on AIM. Because she is like the only person I really talk to on AIM. And also because much of our relationship was founded through the use of our computers.

5) I use facebook. We met on facebook.

6) I use my phone. There are tons of pictures of her on there. I havent changed my homescreen and typically when I use my phone its to talk to her.

7) Take a walk outside at night. Because when Charlie calls the ringtone is crickets chirping.

8) I see anything about dinosaurs. Because she is obsessed with them and I share that passion. Although not to her degree.

9) Eat chocolate. Charlie and I always eat chocolate together when we see each other. Its just what we do. I still have chocolate from her that I havent finished. Months old.

10) When I use a pencil. Because I want to write her a love letter and I cant.

11) See an airplane. Every memory I have of airplanes or airports for the past two years have dealt exclusively with one of us visiting each other.

12) When I Sleep. I see her when I close my eyes. She slept in this very bed with me so many times and I regret ever waking up and letting her out of my arms. I also sleep with my phone in my bed because of habit. Just waiting for her to call.

13) When its cold out. Michigan is cold. So is Seattle. Gainesville shouldn't be the same, but its freezing lately. I miss getting home from a cold adventure and warming each other up.

14) When I see blue eyes. Her eyes are the bluest, deepest eyes Ive ever seen. I always tried to kiss them whenever I could.

15) When I see penguins, jedi masters, gangsters, or kittens. We watch a lof of movies.

16) When I hear or play piano. I tried to learn a lot of piano to impress Charlie. I love Yann Tiersen, and she is the one who introduced me.

17) When I drive in my car. We've had a few fun road trips. I miss them.

18) When I go to the bathroom. Im a pervert. This is a joke. Comon I have to lighten up a bit.

19) When I watch football and I see Washington actually win a game - The week she breaks up with me. And Indiana looses. I miss Bloomington.

20) When it rains. Still the most amazing kiss I've ever had. In the rain. Her eyes batting away the drops because she has to look up into my eyes. I knew then that I was truely in love.

21) The photos on my Dresser. Because the pictures are of her and me.

22) When I write on blogger. Because she wrote on blogger and without knowing it made my heart melt with every sweet word she wrote about me.

23) When I wear a jacket. Because I've gotton her two jackets that are just like two jackets I've gotton myself. And I wear those two jackets all the time.

24) Eating sushi. Her favorite food on earth is salmon.

25) When I use my tablet. Because of my youtube video. Search for "charliejoon."

26) When I open my wallet to buy something. Her picture is right there.

27) When Tim Tebow scores a touchdown. Charlie loved to tease me about how manly he is.

28) The moon. Because she makes me think of my paintings.

29) I pass by a cemetery. We had a special moment at a cemetery.

30) Chapels. Makes me think of Kalamazoo.

31) Her friends messaging me. Because some of them are my friends, too.

32) When I wear sandals. Because when she does I make fun of her crookytoes.

33) Paintball. Because I met someone playing paintball that really traumatized Charlie.

34) I solve a rubik's cube. Because Charlie bought me my first cube. (Its also my favorite cube, even though I have like 4).

35)Watch a movie on my laptop. Because we have to use my laptop because her dvd player doesn't work.

36) See a scar. Charlie has the most beautiful scar I've ever seen.

37) When I open my backpack. Because I have dry fruits that I bought in Seattle with Charlie for my flight back to Florida a month ago.

38) When I put on gloves. She has my favorite gloves in the world. They are rainbow and awesome, and unfortunately one is missing.

39) When I see any couple holding hands.

40) When I smell coffee. She used to work as a barista. I still haven't gotton the pleasure of smelling her after a days work. I've always wanted to.

41) When I think of my family. Because I also think of her family. And her family is amazing.

42) Zoos or Aquariums. We loved going to them.

43) Museums, especially museums with dinosaurs.

44) When I do anything. Because I still wear my ring.

Yeah this whole list is stupid and ridiculous I know. Most of these things shouldn't remind me of her. I realize that I make the craziest connections sometimes to get to my conclusions.

But the truth is there are a limitless amount of little things that make me think of Charlie. We have had so many experiences over the last 2 years... It seems like every aspect of my life has been influenced by her.

How do I begin to detach the strings when they are attached to seemingly everything? I wish I had someone who would be here for me right now to comfort me and tell me what to do. It's so confusing, and it hurts.

i miss you