I wonder - Charlie says because we aren't together anymore I don't get to know if she is dating someone. Besides the fact that I think she NEEDS to date someone else to figure out if we are right together, I think she should at least be able to tell me if she is going to be dating. Especially if we end up getting back together, I would expect her to be honest about who she has been with.
I really think Charlie is different lately. When I met her she was very much into foreign films, music, etc, and now she seems way more hardcore. This normally wouldn't bother me except I think its a big reason why she is doubting our relationship... Because I don't enjoy metal as much as her, and she thinks we need more in common. I know it sounds silly, but everything facebook about her has been metal metal metal the last week. All of her new friends are from her metal club. Her facebook pic is her at a metal concert. Everyone on her wall talks about metal. Her status updates are about what metal she is listening to. I honestly feel like if I was a metalhead like her we would be together.
She told me that when we are together she never feels discontent with our relationship, like everything is always ok when Im with her. But things just dont feel right when I'm away.
I just wish Charlie would look past some of these superficial differences and really understand how much I truly care and love her for who she is. I don't know how much more a boyfriend can do from my situation than to remind her about how beautiful she is and send her notes and pictures and letters when I can. I am always thinking about her. I cant stop. More than anything now I miss my friend.
I remember last january when our relationship began. We spoke for 8 to 9 hours a day. We got to know each other so well that 10 days after our first phone call we were in love. I mean, we actually said it. I said it. She said it. I just found a whole set of emails where I sent myself the chat logs, and its crazy to think but its true. We both needed each other in our lives, and the only difference is that now she has other friends who are new and exciting and I feel left behind.
How do you deal with feeling left behind?
Especially when you have been trained to hear for the last two years that "If you and I do not live together and get married eventually, I think my heart will permanently break and I will never love again. You are the only one in the world for me. I'm only half a person without you, and I don't know where I would be without you. Thank you for being all that you are. I hope to share the rest of my life with you."
Or how about "The ring is so beautiful, Joshua, more beautiful than I expected. I don't know how to thank you. I suppose I can thank you by wearing it proudly and thinking of you every time its sparkle catches my eye. It is a beautiful token of our love. And by the way, I am forever yours. I'm sure you already knew that, but I'm putting it in writing just in case you wanted to hear it again."
Or maybe "I miss you so, so much. You are my love and my life. I wish I could be with you right now. If I don't have you, then I don't really have much of anything important left. You're so special to me. I love you more than anything, my Joshua. You mean the world to me. I can't wait to hear your voice again."
I miss you I miss you
I MISS you
you
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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
lazy
Today was lazy. Its Sunday. I slept. A lot.
I was surprised to find out that Charlie wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning. But as soon as I realized that of course I couldnt help but think of her for 20 minutes in my bed. It was really cold last night again and because Andrew and I don't want to spend another 200$ bill on electricity we havent been using the AC system for a month now. I'm fine with it, it just means I have to curl up under 2 blankets before bed. Oh and of course make sure that when I take a shower the bathroom door is closed so it stays toasty and I don't freeze when I get out. You ever do that?
Who are you anyway? Charlie didn't like that I had a link to this posted publicly, so I took it down - Surely nobody even reads this dribble. I wonder how she even got to see my facebook.
My dad may have had a heart attack a few days ago. In typical motherly fashion I was not made privy to this information until yesterday afternoon, so that "I wouldn't worry." Well, good timing, I guess. They say it rains, it pours, and sometimes when you feel it can't get worse it actually might be a good time to bring on more bad news because you are already somewhat numb. I had to ask my mom what "might have had a heart attack" meant, she said that sometimes you just don't realize you are having one. This surprises me.
Regardless, just something else to add to my worry.
I've been trying to get in touch with my professor regarding my exam I miss Thursday. I missed it because I was so shellshocked and depressed from Charlie breaking up with me. I spoke with the professor late Thursday and he kinda made it sound like I was stuck with a failiing grade and that I wouldn't get a re-test. So that sucks. Not sure what to do there, just waiting for a response to my email. I hate sitting and waiting.
Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life.
...
So I sat there and read what I just wrote. "Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life." Literally thought about that for a couple of minutes. I even walked downstairs, fed the cat, and grabbed some orange juice while thinking about this. I wonder if that's a weird outlook... You know? What I mean is, obviously I can't control what Charlie feels or how she views me. But I don't think I mean it in that way, you know? I mean like I have no say in anything. I can't influence things. Yeah, maybe influence is a better word. I SO want to be able to avoid feeling the way I did after Natalie (and even Jessie), but it seems like it comes down to the same word (or words?). Control. (Influence?).
I've given myself a time to think about Charlie and to have those feelings. I set aside a 20 minute segment an hour before I go to bed to reminisce, and anytime I remember or try to think of her and get sad, I tell myself "NO, you'll have time for that later." And it works. Surprisingly. It hasn't been easy, but yesterday was the first day I tried it. And today has been easier. Those 20 minutes drain me, but at this point I'll try anything that works.
...
I just came back from food and coffee with a friend of mine, Jessica. We have been talking for a while. I don't think there is any potential for anything romantic with her but it IS really nice to have someone to talk to, finally. Not that we talked about Charlie or my relationships or how crappy I'm feeling lately. But its just nice. I think it's going to be important for me to make it clear to her soon though that I'm not really attracted to her. She is a really nice jewish girl (a little older than me, 30 years old actually, not sure if you can call that a girl?) but she is wonderful to talk to and maybe we can be friends like I am with Lara.
Speaking of which, I haven't really spoken with Lara in a while. I think I'll give her a call sometime soon to grab a bite and catch up a bit. She has a cute puppy that I want to see. We also have to organize a Shabbot dinner sometime soon for the Livnot alumni in the area.
I don't know why but I started a streaming webcam straight from my bedroom. I'm going to leave it on, perhaps as an experiment, just for the hell of it. It has really no purpose but I think its kind of cool. Plus, when I'm at work I'll be able to look after Oshi, if she's goofing off in my room that is.
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/javahawk
In other news I had a dream about Bloomington. If I could travel back in time to Bloomington, to see Charlie there, I would take her away and spend the night with her.
And cherish every moment, as if we would never spend another moment together again.
I was surprised to find out that Charlie wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning. But as soon as I realized that of course I couldnt help but think of her for 20 minutes in my bed. It was really cold last night again and because Andrew and I don't want to spend another 200$ bill on electricity we havent been using the AC system for a month now. I'm fine with it, it just means I have to curl up under 2 blankets before bed. Oh and of course make sure that when I take a shower the bathroom door is closed so it stays toasty and I don't freeze when I get out. You ever do that?
Who are you anyway? Charlie didn't like that I had a link to this posted publicly, so I took it down - Surely nobody even reads this dribble. I wonder how she even got to see my facebook.
My dad may have had a heart attack a few days ago. In typical motherly fashion I was not made privy to this information until yesterday afternoon, so that "I wouldn't worry." Well, good timing, I guess. They say it rains, it pours, and sometimes when you feel it can't get worse it actually might be a good time to bring on more bad news because you are already somewhat numb. I had to ask my mom what "might have had a heart attack" meant, she said that sometimes you just don't realize you are having one. This surprises me.
Regardless, just something else to add to my worry.
I've been trying to get in touch with my professor regarding my exam I miss Thursday. I missed it because I was so shellshocked and depressed from Charlie breaking up with me. I spoke with the professor late Thursday and he kinda made it sound like I was stuck with a failiing grade and that I wouldn't get a re-test. So that sucks. Not sure what to do there, just waiting for a response to my email. I hate sitting and waiting.
Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life.
...
So I sat there and read what I just wrote. "Feel like I control nothing that I consider to be important in my life." Literally thought about that for a couple of minutes. I even walked downstairs, fed the cat, and grabbed some orange juice while thinking about this. I wonder if that's a weird outlook... You know? What I mean is, obviously I can't control what Charlie feels or how she views me. But I don't think I mean it in that way, you know? I mean like I have no say in anything. I can't influence things. Yeah, maybe influence is a better word. I SO want to be able to avoid feeling the way I did after Natalie (and even Jessie), but it seems like it comes down to the same word (or words?). Control. (Influence?).
I've given myself a time to think about Charlie and to have those feelings. I set aside a 20 minute segment an hour before I go to bed to reminisce, and anytime I remember or try to think of her and get sad, I tell myself "NO, you'll have time for that later." And it works. Surprisingly. It hasn't been easy, but yesterday was the first day I tried it. And today has been easier. Those 20 minutes drain me, but at this point I'll try anything that works.
...
I just came back from food and coffee with a friend of mine, Jessica. We have been talking for a while. I don't think there is any potential for anything romantic with her but it IS really nice to have someone to talk to, finally. Not that we talked about Charlie or my relationships or how crappy I'm feeling lately. But its just nice. I think it's going to be important for me to make it clear to her soon though that I'm not really attracted to her. She is a really nice jewish girl (a little older than me, 30 years old actually, not sure if you can call that a girl?) but she is wonderful to talk to and maybe we can be friends like I am with Lara.
Speaking of which, I haven't really spoken with Lara in a while. I think I'll give her a call sometime soon to grab a bite and catch up a bit. She has a cute puppy that I want to see. We also have to organize a Shabbot dinner sometime soon for the Livnot alumni in the area.
I don't know why but I started a streaming webcam straight from my bedroom. I'm going to leave it on, perhaps as an experiment, just for the hell of it. It has really no purpose but I think its kind of cool. Plus, when I'm at work I'll be able to look after Oshi, if she's goofing off in my room that is.
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/javahawk
In other news I had a dream about Bloomington. If I could travel back in time to Bloomington, to see Charlie there, I would take her away and spend the night with her.
And cherish every moment, as if we would never spend another moment together again.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
because i have to
Have you ever been in a mood that no matter what you do, where you go, what you see, smell, taste, or hear, it reminds you of someone or something very specific? Lately I've been like that with Charlie. It's been difficult getting away from her image in my head because it seems to much of my life over the last two years was invested in her. In my apartment, my car, at work, at school... It doesn't matter. I tie my shoes and I think of the time I fixed her shoes with duct tape. It's like a never ending dilemma, and my counselor Stephanie doesn't think it's healthy. She told me that sometimes when people are so involved and infatuated in a serious relationship, they sometimes lose some part of their life that should belong to them - Regardless of who they are with or what situation they are in.
Stephanie told me to sit down for a few moments and really try to get back some of my life that I had committed to the relationship. And she is most certainly right. I shouldn't constantly be reminded of Charlie when I brush my teeth, take a shower, pull out a pair of socks, blow my nose, or use a pencil. That's just silly. So what she told me to do was write out on paper or in a journal everything that reminds me of Charlie and ask myself if it REALLY makes sense for me to reminisce about it.
So... Here's the "I think of Charlie when..." list:
1) I brush my teeth. I use her toothpaste because I accidentally packed it in my luggage when I saw her last, and thats why I think of her. She also bought a toothbrush just like mine because she loved mine so much when she visited months ago.
2) I tie my shoes. Because she is the reason I wear chucks (when I do).
3) I take a shower. No comment.
4) I get on AIM. Because she is like the only person I really talk to on AIM. And also because much of our relationship was founded through the use of our computers.
5) I use facebook. We met on facebook.
6) I use my phone. There are tons of pictures of her on there. I havent changed my homescreen and typically when I use my phone its to talk to her.
7) Take a walk outside at night. Because when Charlie calls the ringtone is crickets chirping.
8) I see anything about dinosaurs. Because she is obsessed with them and I share that passion. Although not to her degree.
9) Eat chocolate. Charlie and I always eat chocolate together when we see each other. Its just what we do. I still have chocolate from her that I havent finished. Months old.
10) When I use a pencil. Because I want to write her a love letter and I cant.
11) See an airplane. Every memory I have of airplanes or airports for the past two years have dealt exclusively with one of us visiting each other.
12) When I Sleep. I see her when I close my eyes. She slept in this very bed with me so many times and I regret ever waking up and letting her out of my arms. I also sleep with my phone in my bed because of habit. Just waiting for her to call.
13) When its cold out. Michigan is cold. So is Seattle. Gainesville shouldn't be the same, but its freezing lately. I miss getting home from a cold adventure and warming each other up.
14) When I see blue eyes. Her eyes are the bluest, deepest eyes Ive ever seen. I always tried to kiss them whenever I could.
15) When I see penguins, jedi masters, gangsters, or kittens. We watch a lof of movies.
16) When I hear or play piano. I tried to learn a lot of piano to impress Charlie. I love Yann Tiersen, and she is the one who introduced me.
17) When I drive in my car. We've had a few fun road trips. I miss them.
18) When I go to the bathroom. Im a pervert. This is a joke. Comon I have to lighten up a bit.
19) When I watch football and I see Washington actually win a game - The week she breaks up with me. And Indiana looses. I miss Bloomington.
20) When it rains. Still the most amazing kiss I've ever had. In the rain. Her eyes batting away the drops because she has to look up into my eyes. I knew then that I was truely in love.
21) The photos on my Dresser. Because the pictures are of her and me.
22) When I write on blogger. Because she wrote on blogger and without knowing it made my heart melt with every sweet word she wrote about me.
23) When I wear a jacket. Because I've gotton her two jackets that are just like two jackets I've gotton myself. And I wear those two jackets all the time.
24) Eating sushi. Her favorite food on earth is salmon.
25) When I use my tablet. Because of my youtube video. Search for "charliejoon."
26) When I open my wallet to buy something. Her picture is right there.
27) When Tim Tebow scores a touchdown. Charlie loved to tease me about how manly he is.
28) The moon. Because she makes me think of my paintings.
29) I pass by a cemetery. We had a special moment at a cemetery.
30) Chapels. Makes me think of Kalamazoo.
31) Her friends messaging me. Because some of them are my friends, too.
32) When I wear sandals. Because when she does I make fun of her crookytoes.
33) Paintball. Because I met someone playing paintball that really traumatized Charlie.
34) I solve a rubik's cube. Because Charlie bought me my first cube. (Its also my favorite cube, even though I have like 4).
35)Watch a movie on my laptop. Because we have to use my laptop because her dvd player doesn't work.
36) See a scar. Charlie has the most beautiful scar I've ever seen.
37) When I open my backpack. Because I have dry fruits that I bought in Seattle with Charlie for my flight back to Florida a month ago.
38) When I put on gloves. She has my favorite gloves in the world. They are rainbow and awesome, and unfortunately one is missing.
39) When I see any couple holding hands.
40) When I smell coffee. She used to work as a barista. I still haven't gotton the pleasure of smelling her after a days work. I've always wanted to.
41) When I think of my family. Because I also think of her family. And her family is amazing.
42) Zoos or Aquariums. We loved going to them.
43) Museums, especially museums with dinosaurs.
44) When I do anything. Because I still wear my ring.
Yeah this whole list is stupid and ridiculous I know. Most of these things shouldn't remind me of her. I realize that I make the craziest connections sometimes to get to my conclusions.
But the truth is there are a limitless amount of little things that make me think of Charlie. We have had so many experiences over the last 2 years... It seems like every aspect of my life has been influenced by her.
How do I begin to detach the strings when they are attached to seemingly everything? I wish I had someone who would be here for me right now to comfort me and tell me what to do. It's so confusing, and it hurts.
i miss you
Stephanie told me to sit down for a few moments and really try to get back some of my life that I had committed to the relationship. And she is most certainly right. I shouldn't constantly be reminded of Charlie when I brush my teeth, take a shower, pull out a pair of socks, blow my nose, or use a pencil. That's just silly. So what she told me to do was write out on paper or in a journal everything that reminds me of Charlie and ask myself if it REALLY makes sense for me to reminisce about it.
So... Here's the "I think of Charlie when..." list:
1) I brush my teeth. I use her toothpaste because I accidentally packed it in my luggage when I saw her last, and thats why I think of her. She also bought a toothbrush just like mine because she loved mine so much when she visited months ago.
2) I tie my shoes. Because she is the reason I wear chucks (when I do).
3) I take a shower. No comment.
4) I get on AIM. Because she is like the only person I really talk to on AIM. And also because much of our relationship was founded through the use of our computers.
5) I use facebook. We met on facebook.
6) I use my phone. There are tons of pictures of her on there. I havent changed my homescreen and typically when I use my phone its to talk to her.
7) Take a walk outside at night. Because when Charlie calls the ringtone is crickets chirping.
8) I see anything about dinosaurs. Because she is obsessed with them and I share that passion. Although not to her degree.
9) Eat chocolate. Charlie and I always eat chocolate together when we see each other. Its just what we do. I still have chocolate from her that I havent finished. Months old.
10) When I use a pencil. Because I want to write her a love letter and I cant.
11) See an airplane. Every memory I have of airplanes or airports for the past two years have dealt exclusively with one of us visiting each other.
12) When I Sleep. I see her when I close my eyes. She slept in this very bed with me so many times and I regret ever waking up and letting her out of my arms. I also sleep with my phone in my bed because of habit. Just waiting for her to call.
13) When its cold out. Michigan is cold. So is Seattle. Gainesville shouldn't be the same, but its freezing lately. I miss getting home from a cold adventure and warming each other up.
14) When I see blue eyes. Her eyes are the bluest, deepest eyes Ive ever seen. I always tried to kiss them whenever I could.
15) When I see penguins, jedi masters, gangsters, or kittens. We watch a lof of movies.
16) When I hear or play piano. I tried to learn a lot of piano to impress Charlie. I love Yann Tiersen, and she is the one who introduced me.
17) When I drive in my car. We've had a few fun road trips. I miss them.
18) When I go to the bathroom. Im a pervert. This is a joke. Comon I have to lighten up a bit.
19) When I watch football and I see Washington actually win a game - The week she breaks up with me. And Indiana looses. I miss Bloomington.
20) When it rains. Still the most amazing kiss I've ever had. In the rain. Her eyes batting away the drops because she has to look up into my eyes. I knew then that I was truely in love.
21) The photos on my Dresser. Because the pictures are of her and me.
22) When I write on blogger. Because she wrote on blogger and without knowing it made my heart melt with every sweet word she wrote about me.
23) When I wear a jacket. Because I've gotton her two jackets that are just like two jackets I've gotton myself. And I wear those two jackets all the time.
24) Eating sushi. Her favorite food on earth is salmon.
25) When I use my tablet. Because of my youtube video. Search for "charliejoon."
26) When I open my wallet to buy something. Her picture is right there.
27) When Tim Tebow scores a touchdown. Charlie loved to tease me about how manly he is.
28) The moon. Because she makes me think of my paintings.
29) I pass by a cemetery. We had a special moment at a cemetery.
30) Chapels. Makes me think of Kalamazoo.
31) Her friends messaging me. Because some of them are my friends, too.
32) When I wear sandals. Because when she does I make fun of her crookytoes.
33) Paintball. Because I met someone playing paintball that really traumatized Charlie.
34) I solve a rubik's cube. Because Charlie bought me my first cube. (Its also my favorite cube, even though I have like 4).
35)Watch a movie on my laptop. Because we have to use my laptop because her dvd player doesn't work.
36) See a scar. Charlie has the most beautiful scar I've ever seen.
37) When I open my backpack. Because I have dry fruits that I bought in Seattle with Charlie for my flight back to Florida a month ago.
38) When I put on gloves. She has my favorite gloves in the world. They are rainbow and awesome, and unfortunately one is missing.
39) When I see any couple holding hands.
40) When I smell coffee. She used to work as a barista. I still haven't gotton the pleasure of smelling her after a days work. I've always wanted to.
41) When I think of my family. Because I also think of her family. And her family is amazing.
42) Zoos or Aquariums. We loved going to them.
43) Museums, especially museums with dinosaurs.
44) When I do anything. Because I still wear my ring.
Yeah this whole list is stupid and ridiculous I know. Most of these things shouldn't remind me of her. I realize that I make the craziest connections sometimes to get to my conclusions.
But the truth is there are a limitless amount of little things that make me think of Charlie. We have had so many experiences over the last 2 years... It seems like every aspect of my life has been influenced by her.
How do I begin to detach the strings when they are attached to seemingly everything? I wish I had someone who would be here for me right now to comfort me and tell me what to do. It's so confusing, and it hurts.
i miss you
Friday, November 21, 2008
I am sad.
Oh blogger, how I abuse you.
You see, as I am sure you are well aware, I only use you when I have nobody else to talk to. I'm sorry.
So today's been the worst day of life. Worse than Natalie, worse than any other day. Charlie, the love of my life and the woman whom I was suppose to marry, told me two days ago that she loves me dearly but I might not be right for her and we need to break up for her to make sure we belong together.
I love her too much to hurt her. She wants me to stop begging her to speak with me. She wants me to give her space to feel single again. She wants something that I feel deep down inside that I can't give her. I want us to be normal again. We haven't been normal since I saw her a month ago.
I love her dearly. But I think it's her metal club. I understand that she feels anti social and that she is happier when around others, but I think it's blinded her a little and she was not able to balance her time between her club and new friends and me. She neglected me for two weeks and admitted so. She called herself a horrible person. She has a crush on another guy, and though she swears that this isn't about him I have to believe that at least a small part is.
I hope she realizes that I will be here for her. I can't nor will ever turn my back on her. But right now she needs her space. What should I do? If I give it to her, I don't get to communicate with her. I feel guilty about trying to call her or leave her a text reminder her about how much I care about her. I want so badly for her to call me and just tell me she loves me like I know she does.
Why does this happen to me?
Charlie and I spoke a few weeks back about honesty. I told her that I thought a lot of our mis-communications in the past were due to her saying one thing when she felt another thing. And of course, the age old reasoning behind what a girl says and what a girl think goes beyond man's comprehension. And yet of course I know that something isn't right. But she would never admit it when confronted. Regardless, during our talk she promised she would tell me how she felt and not what I wanted to hear. I guess she did that. But she never gave me a chance. She had already made up her mind.
It has now been what seems like the longest period of time we have gone without speaking. Actually, I'm sure that while I was in Israel we spent a longer period without speaking, but I might not have noticed as much simply because I was always exhausted, busy, and for the most part inaccessible. But I loved her then, she loved me then, and we both knew it.
There are so many parallels to April 2007, it hurts. I'm sorry I made her go through that. I feel like I'm going through it right now. But I'm glad that we are at least not pretending to be in a relationship anymore. For as much as she says that the last month has been me being weird, she has been equally weird. We are both to blame for this situation, and I cannot help but feel like I'm getting hurt twice as hard as her.
And then I go onto facebook.
And I see Seattle 07 photos.
And how in love and mushy gushy we were. And I think, maybe something did happen? Why aren't we like that anymore? I can only say it's because we are past infatuation, and we are comfortable. Am I the only one ok with being comfortable? I admit, I haven't surprise visited her recently, or painted elaborate time elapsed portraits of her within the last few months. Did I set too high of a standard for myself early in our relationship? I don't know.
I can't look at these photos anymore.
I need someone to talk to and I feel like my best friend is gone from this planet. And she is enjoying her life without me.
I won't give up on her.
You see, as I am sure you are well aware, I only use you when I have nobody else to talk to. I'm sorry.
So today's been the worst day of life. Worse than Natalie, worse than any other day. Charlie, the love of my life and the woman whom I was suppose to marry, told me two days ago that she loves me dearly but I might not be right for her and we need to break up for her to make sure we belong together.
I love her too much to hurt her. She wants me to stop begging her to speak with me. She wants me to give her space to feel single again. She wants something that I feel deep down inside that I can't give her. I want us to be normal again. We haven't been normal since I saw her a month ago.
I love her dearly. But I think it's her metal club. I understand that she feels anti social and that she is happier when around others, but I think it's blinded her a little and she was not able to balance her time between her club and new friends and me. She neglected me for two weeks and admitted so. She called herself a horrible person. She has a crush on another guy, and though she swears that this isn't about him I have to believe that at least a small part is.
I hope she realizes that I will be here for her. I can't nor will ever turn my back on her. But right now she needs her space. What should I do? If I give it to her, I don't get to communicate with her. I feel guilty about trying to call her or leave her a text reminder her about how much I care about her. I want so badly for her to call me and just tell me she loves me like I know she does.
Why does this happen to me?
Charlie and I spoke a few weeks back about honesty. I told her that I thought a lot of our mis-communications in the past were due to her saying one thing when she felt another thing. And of course, the age old reasoning behind what a girl says and what a girl think goes beyond man's comprehension. And yet of course I know that something isn't right. But she would never admit it when confronted. Regardless, during our talk she promised she would tell me how she felt and not what I wanted to hear. I guess she did that. But she never gave me a chance. She had already made up her mind.
It has now been what seems like the longest period of time we have gone without speaking. Actually, I'm sure that while I was in Israel we spent a longer period without speaking, but I might not have noticed as much simply because I was always exhausted, busy, and for the most part inaccessible. But I loved her then, she loved me then, and we both knew it.
There are so many parallels to April 2007, it hurts. I'm sorry I made her go through that. I feel like I'm going through it right now. But I'm glad that we are at least not pretending to be in a relationship anymore. For as much as she says that the last month has been me being weird, she has been equally weird. We are both to blame for this situation, and I cannot help but feel like I'm getting hurt twice as hard as her.
And then I go onto facebook.
And I see Seattle 07 photos.
And how in love and mushy gushy we were. And I think, maybe something did happen? Why aren't we like that anymore? I can only say it's because we are past infatuation, and we are comfortable. Am I the only one ok with being comfortable? I admit, I haven't surprise visited her recently, or painted elaborate time elapsed portraits of her within the last few months. Did I set too high of a standard for myself early in our relationship? I don't know.
I can't look at these photos anymore.
I need someone to talk to and I feel like my best friend is gone from this planet. And she is enjoying her life without me.
I won't give up on her.
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