I am sad.

Oh blogger, how I abuse you.

You see, as I am sure you are well aware, I only use you when I have nobody else to talk to. I'm sorry.

So today's been the worst day of life. Worse than Natalie, worse than any other day. Charlie, the love of my life and the woman whom I was suppose to marry, told me two days ago that she loves me dearly but I might not be right for her and we need to break up for her to make sure we belong together.

I love her too much to hurt her. She wants me to stop begging her to speak with me. She wants me to give her space to feel single again. She wants something that I feel deep down inside that I can't give her. I want us to be normal again. We haven't been normal since I saw her a month ago.

I love her dearly. But I think it's her metal club. I understand that she feels anti social and that she is happier when around others, but I think it's blinded her a little and she was not able to balance her time between her club and new friends and me. She neglected me for two weeks and admitted so. She called herself a horrible person. She has a crush on another guy, and though she swears that this isn't about him I have to believe that at least a small part is.

I hope she realizes that I will be here for her. I can't nor will ever turn my back on her. But right now she needs her space. What should I do? If I give it to her, I don't get to communicate with her. I feel guilty about trying to call her or leave her a text reminder her about how much I care about her. I want so badly for her to call me and just tell me she loves me like I know she does.

Why does this happen to me?

Charlie and I spoke a few weeks back about honesty. I told her that I thought a lot of our mis-communications in the past were due to her saying one thing when she felt another thing. And of course, the age old reasoning behind what a girl says and what a girl think goes beyond man's comprehension. And yet of course I know that something isn't right. But she would never admit it when confronted. Regardless, during our talk she promised she would tell me how she felt and not what I wanted to hear. I guess she did that. But she never gave me a chance. She had already made up her mind.

It has now been what seems like the longest period of time we have gone without speaking. Actually, I'm sure that while I was in Israel we spent a longer period without speaking, but I might not have noticed as much simply because I was always exhausted, busy, and for the most part inaccessible. But I loved her then, she loved me then, and we both knew it.

There are so many parallels to April 2007, it hurts. I'm sorry I made her go through that. I feel like I'm going through it right now. But I'm glad that we are at least not pretending to be in a relationship anymore. For as much as she says that the last month has been me being weird, she has been equally weird. We are both to blame for this situation, and I cannot help but feel like I'm getting hurt twice as hard as her.

And then I go onto facebook.

And I see Seattle 07 photos.

And how in love and mushy gushy we were. And I think, maybe something did happen? Why aren't we like that anymore? I can only say it's because we are past infatuation, and we are comfortable. Am I the only one ok with being comfortable? I admit, I haven't surprise visited her recently, or painted elaborate time elapsed portraits of her within the last few months. Did I set too high of a standard for myself early in our relationship? I don't know.

I can't look at these photos anymore.

I need someone to talk to and I feel like my best friend is gone from this planet. And she is enjoying her life without me.

I won't give up on her.